A Physical AND Spiritual Infusion

A few months ago, our relief society president shared a thought that referenced a scripture.  She didn't know the actual reference, but she quoted a line.

As I was recently opening up my phone to look through my scriptures, I did the smart phone version of just "flipping open" your scriptures and reading.  You know, the close your eyes and touch thing.  I needed some inspiration...and when I began to read this chapter, I didn't feel an intense connection to what was being talked about.  While I figured it was good I was still reading, I wondered if something would speak to me.

I got to Mosiah chapter 7:18 in the Book of Mormon.  And it was the same verse the sweet sister had shared in our meeting.  And it spoke to me.  "...O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made."

Lift up your head- soon, you will not be subjected to the works of your "enemies", BUT there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.

The enemy was inside of me...and there was still going to be struggling yet to come, but it has a purpose and it will be EFFECTUAL!

Let me share my story of my effectual struggle, and the lessons I've learned from that struggle with my "enemies".

Do you ever get in one of those funks where you feel like it feels like it's doomsday...but for no reason?

Oh, no...it's just moody old me that gets that way?? ;)

Well, honestly, for the past few months I haven't been myself.  It's taken so much out of me to just be consistently happy, positive and energetic.  I went through a bit of a funk when I first moved out here- a short, intense one that only lasted a few weeks, and then I felt really great through just about the end of the year.  But honestly, the past few months have been quite the struggle.  And I have had no idea why.

I didn't talk about it much because I generally felt all the feelings of happiness.  My brain and spirit were happy but for some reason, they were not communicating that with my body.  Marc could tell.  He would ask me from time to time if I was happy.  I felt very defensive at the thought of it, because of course I was happy!  I have every reason to be happy...I have no reason to not be.  But at some point during my days I would feel a hypothetical rain cloud come over me and I felt powerless to control it.  I'd feel all sorts of frustrating emotions.  One of which was insecurity which I wrote about HERE in my last post. Impatience...irritability...quick to anger...loneliness...hopelessness...sadness... were other emotions seeping from me...and I hated it!

Most of which though, I just felt tired.  So uncharacteristically TIRED.  To the point where if I sat down for a moment during the afternoon, it was as though I was wearing a led suit when I tried to lift my body back up.  Coupled with some other very odd and never before experienced symptoms, it made for exhausting days and almost sleepless nights.  I finally decided  that I needed to go to the doctor.  I had been putting it off for fear that he would tell me what I was most concerned about...that I was possibly dealing with depression.  I didn't FEEL mentally depressed but I didn't know how else to explain why everything in me was succumbing to all of these emotions so easily.  I was so thankful that the doctor took my fatigue as seriously as he did.  I also feared that I would be told that it was normal to be tired with three young children and an active, busy life.  However, he took it very seriously (maybe because when he came into the room to see me, I had laid down, practically fallen asleep on the exam table).  We had a nice discussion and it was determined I would have a series of blood tests run.  They took the blood right then and there told me I would hear back within a few days.

I didn't get word for almost a week and Marc and I had figured that had the test turned up anything significant, they likely would've called.  I finally called and inquired and received a return call from the medical assistant shortly after.  When she told me the results I was a little shocked and mostly relieved.  

She said, "You tested positive for mono, although you're no longer contagious.  Your ferritin level is also at 13.4 and it needs to be at least 50, which means your iron deficient..."  She went on to tell me that I would be needing a series of iron infusions and more testing after that to see if I store iron, and if not, further testing will be done to figure out why.  "No wonder you were tired," the medical assistant said after she gave me my instructions, "Most people have a difficult time functioning with one of those conditions...I don't know how you've been walking around with both."

After we ended the call, I went back and forth between feeling overwhelmed at the fact that this meant I was still going to be tired for a while, and the relief I felt that my situation was now validated.  I wasn't depressed!! I wasn't insecure, impatient, irritable, lonely....sad.  Okay, maybe I was those things sometimes, aren't we all?  But, I was so glad that my lack of energy came from a physical ailment versus a mental one.  Physical, I could deal with.  I'd been down the "health issues" road before and bouncing back quickly was sort of something I prided myself on.  However, what I didn't realize is that the road that I had been walking and would continue to walk and learn over the next few weeks, wasn't just physical.  It was emotional, spiritual and mental, too.  And it was supposed to be.

The mono runs it's course. There is no medicine or practice to get through it faster, it just has to run it's course.  I'm thankful no one in my family caught it from me- what a blessing that was!  As I sit and type this, I'm pretty sure I have recovered from mono, although only a blood test could confirm.  My one item of business was to get those infusions.  After dealing with weeks of insurance issues- patient authorizations, doctor orders, paperwork...paperwork...paperwork, I was finally put in touch with IV Therapy at the local hospital and my infusions were scheduled.  

Pictured above is one of the infusions.  They ran about an hour long and I was kept another half an hour for monitoring.  Blessed was that almost two hours of time where I napped, read and ate Lorna Doones, all while covered in a warmed blanket.  A practically painless (except for that dumb poke- why does the anticipation of that suck so bad?  I HATE that) time that left me LITERALLY fully of energy!  Not right away, but after my first infusion, I cleaned my whole house that night and took a 20 minute break to have a dance part in front of my mirror.  

"Alright, I'm back to normal, I thought, "and this is just ONE infusion!  This is awesome!" Shortly after I fell asleep that night, I woke up with a violent stomach flu.  I was thinking it was maybe a side effect of the synthetic iron, but when Carson came down with it the next night, I knew it was a bug.  I had felt REALLY good for a total of maybe 4 hours.  

I sort of had a pity party for myself.  I was so exhausted of being exhausted!!!  At this point in time, I really started to think about what infusion meant.   The definition of INFUSION is: the addition of something that is needed or helpful.  The definition of INFUSING is even more interesting: to cause to be permeated with something that alters usually for the better.  An iron infusion was definitely needed and helpful- and promised to alter my body for the better.  However, I started to think about all of the things I had been ailing with.  More than my physical symptoms, it was the mental and spiritual ailments that had really brought me down.  I realized that what I needed was more than just an IRON infusion.  I needed a SPIRITUAL infusion.

I had somehow become DEFICIENT...deficient of iron, obviously.  I'm not sure why, but the best guess is malnourishment of some sort.  Most likely a dysfunction of something in my body, because I felt I had been fueling my body properly enough with healthy foods and vitamins as to not be as deficient as I was. My iron stores had become depleted.  But what about my spiritual stores?  Had I been taking enough in spiritually and storing it for the times when I'd need it most?  Had my spirit been properly processing when I was reading scriptures, praying, attending my church meetings, etc, or was there a dysfunction in the processing that was causing a LACK of spiritual stores?  

I came to the realization that I was feeling spiritually depleted and in addition to my physical infusion to restore my iron, I needed an infusion of the right things so that my Spirit is strong and built up to face the challenges of life, whatever they may be.  

I think of times in my life where I've been through a lot more than this.  I almost died once for heavens sake, and I wasn't affected like this.  I've been through personal storms and struggles that have been very difficult, but seemed to make it out quickly and stronger than ever.  Why was this rocking me so deep to my core that   it felt like I was trying to climb up a mountain during an avalanche?  For every progression I made, I felt shoved back down twice as far.  And it didn't make sense to me until now.  That I hadn't been spiritually prepared for this.  And maybe I was being taught a spiritual lesson through physical dysfunction.  Maybe I wasn't listening any other way.  Whether I'm being prepared for something bigger or whether I need to just be stronger to weather the storms of everyday life that we all go through, I cannot afford to be spiritually depleted.  Not for myself, not for my sweet husband, and not for my young growing children.

Our bodies need nourishment.  They need vitamins...they need food...they need water.  Our bodies are hungry and thirsty, and we feed it.  And when they are depleted, we go and we get medicine to heal it.  Because, why?  It's a NECESSITY- our bodies are fragile and they are sustained by effectual struggles to keep it that way, or they will stop working to our benefit.

Our spirits work the same way-- they need nourishment...they can be fragile...and in my opinion, they affect our physical so much so, that if our spirits are depleted, it will inevitably affect the shell that houses our souls.   Which makes me think of this scripture in 3 Nephi 12:6- "And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost."

I'm truly thankful for the reminder that I need to be "hungering and thirsting" after those things that will make strong from the inside out.  Because to be filled with the Spirit of God, I can't think of any better medicine to be infused with, than that!