Sometimes I dream a blog post. And then it's embedded in my brain and I can't stop thinking about. Words and phrases will start composing themselves in my mind...and before I know it my fingers are itching to hit the keyboard. So, this may be somewhat of a psyche explosion...one I won't know even makes sense until it gets spit out onto this computer. So here goes...
The devil knows my number... and it is 467-328-7489. Okay, not really- 467 isn't even a real area code. But that is the number for I-N-S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y. We all are familiar with this feeling, right? No doubt we've all had our fair share of it in our lives- whether it be in relationships, in our line of work, our ability to perform a task or talent the way that we'd like, etc. I think as I've gotten older, I've realized what a tool of the adversary insecurity can be in my life. It's sort of been like a plague. Granted, I've learned a lot from it...but its like that nasty, under the bed monster that rears it's ugly head at the most inopportune times. And, it knows no limits. It will attack any area of my life and tell me that I'm just not good enough...for...fill in the blank.
Ew... so mean and annoying right? As I've gotten older, I've learned how to tell it to shove off and leave me alone. I've learned to reason why this monster in my head is wrong. I've been able to draw lessons from these experiences and see the progression in fighting through those feelings. But who can fight ALL the time? I know I can't. And the second I let my guard down...those feelings creep back in.
*****Let's attack her MOTHERING skills today- she totally fed her kids Lucky Charms for breakfast two days in a row and their poop was green from all the sugar. Lets just rake her over the coals for that one. Oh geez- loser mom- don't you even CARE about what kind of nutrition your children get???*****
*****OOOH- it's THAT time..let's take that bloated feeling and just run with it! Oh your jeans were a bit tight to button today? Well, you disgusting blob....*****
*****Sure, you can sing...but look at ALL these musicians out there. They can sing too...and they are better than you, hipper than you, more relevant than you, play guitar.... You were not meant to be anything special with those talents.*****
*****See- you got left out. They didn't invite you/visit you/call you back.... you're not that important of a friend. In fact, they've been just WAITING for the right moment to DROP you.*****
*****Oh, you were going to read your scriptures everyday this week huh??? Well, you only got to it three times. And your prayers? Come on...you were half asleep. You might as well just give up because you are never going to be committed enough to make those things the priority you should. ****
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I want to really point out that this is not something that is majorly debilitating my life. But, in my dream about this post, I had an epiphany. The adversary launches his attacks on the things I should ACTUALLY be the most confident about. He never tries to drag me down about my inability to sew- sure, it would be nice, but I have no real stock invested in that particular ability when it comes to my confidence. Why waste his time on something that I will just shrug off and say, "That doesn't matter." No, he's going to get me where it really hurts. Cripple me where it matters most. So, maybe, I should actually fight off those insecure thoughts with a renewed confidence that if it wasn't something I was meant to be good at, he wouldn't be encouraging me to throw in the towel!
My second epiphany came as these thoughts bounced around in my head this morning. I looked around at the gym at all these beautiful women. Working hard, dripping sweat and seemingly confident. And then I imagined their worst insecurities running through their heads! Was the woman there for the first time, trying to figure out a new machine worried that she looked like the rookie? Will the woman who ran her first mile in forever next to the gazelle like marathoner who ran 10 miles at a 9.0 pace, feel like she can't come back because she can't keep up? And I realized that I am probably not alone in that insecurity plagues the best of us...
...and I think that is why I wanted to write this post. Not just to remind myself that I am of infinite worth and purpose on this earth, but that YOU are too!!!
With insecurity, we often find very near the concept of comparison. Also known as- envy, jealousy, etc. I was just having a conversation the other day with one of my dearest friends whom I think the world of. Whenever I talk to her, I want to be a better person. We were talking about the concept of being "REAL". And how in this day and age of social networking, it is very, very easy to compare ourselves to others and this can often times lead to the insecurity and self deprecation we are speaking of. And how what an unhealthy scale it is to measure our worth on- first of call comparison, but second of all, social networking, which compares our backsides to someone else's frontside.
I found a
wonderful conference talk on this by Elder Holland (everything he ever says just PIERCES my soul!)
He said, "Who is it that whispers so subtly in our ear that a gift given to another somehow diminishes the blessings we have received? Who makes us feel that if God is smiling on another, then He surely must somehow be frowning on us? You and I both know who does this—it is the father of all lies. It is Lucifer, our common enemy, whose cry down through the corridors of time is always and to everyone, “Give me thine honor.”
He is the enemy...the opposer...the one who is waiting in the wings to tear us down- to pit us against each other and bring us down to keep him company. Not company any of us deserve to be in.
Elder Holland also said, "All are privileged, the one like unto the other. Walk peacefully. Walk confidently. Walk without fear and without envy. Be reassured of Heavenly Father’s abundance to you always.
As we do this, we can help others, calling down blessings on them even as they make supplication for us. We can cheer every talent and ability, wherever it is bestowed, thus making life here more nearly what it will be like in heaven."
WE are each others CHEERLEADERS!!!! We are our own cheerleaders!!!! There is no need to be tearing ourselves down nor one another. Negative energy never begat positive results in anyone.
So, I'm done letting these insecurities dig their way down into my self worth. I'm ready to buoy myself up in the knowledge of who I am and what I am meant to accomplish! And I want you to do the same. And I want us to help each other. One of my favorite quotes/pictures is this:
And I truly believe we all have that capacity within us!!! I'm thankful for these closing words from Elder Holland: "...No one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us—insecurities, anxieties, self-image, and all. He doesn’t measure our talents or our looks; He doesn’t measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other."
So to this, I say my "number"...I-N-S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y...its no longer in service. Disconnected. I hope that you do the same and recognize the beauty that is you and your wonderful talents.
