Regaining Sensation

Oh my word...I'm blogging.  I didn't even know if I would remember my blogger login, it's been so long.

Does anyone even blog anymore?  I mean, everyday people, not the really cool people who have talent... like super cool writers, designers, photographers, etc.  Like, everyday Stacy's?  Well, this everday girl has decided, that I need an outlet.  And, back in the good old days of 2008-ish, when I was a really good blogger, I think I was a happier, more fulfilled person.  Because I had a place to LET it OUT.  OUT-LET.

Hi Blogger.  Even if it's just me and you, I'm glad to be back.  I've needed it.  A lot has happened in our lives- and it's all just in my head.  Aside from a few status updates on Facebook and a million pictures on Instagram, there is no record.  Because I'm about as good at journaling as I've been at blogging.  It's got to change...so, today, I'm changing it.

Here's a new element for this blog- I'm blogging from Utah!  I, like, LIVE here now.  I'm sure you've heard. My amazingly talented and successful husband has exceeded my expectations yet again, and his career has landed us in the mountains of Utah County.  It's really so beautiful.  And yes, I realize it's August, and YES I know it snows.  Can't even tell you how many times I've been asked if I knew it snowed here when telling people about our move.  I can't say I'm stoked about the winters, but we knew it was the right thing for our family to come here, and here we are.

Aside from my brief stint in Idaho as a college student, I've never left Sacramento.  I wasn't particularly scared.  I was sad...leaving our family and friends was the hardest part.  But I felt so certain and guided that this was where we were supposed to be.  That meant that everything was going to be rainbows and butterflies when we got here...right?

Well, no, not exactly.  Here's the thing, there have been lots of rainbows and such ( literally, there have been some beautiful rainbows after the summer rain storms), but among the rainbows, there were rainclouds.  Rainclouds I didn't anticipate (again, like the summer rain storms here in Utah).  It's so weird how all the amazing and blessed elements of a beautiful life can be right there, yet something is still off.  I think it's like the opposite of the whole "rose colored glasses" thing.  I didn't know how to adapt and adjust.  I really didn't anticipate needing to.  I thought it would be like most of my other moves to new wards and cities.  But it's been different.  And it's taken me up until the last few weeks to realize that just because its been different from what I expected, that it hasn't been wrong.  In fact, I think I've had the realization that it's exactly the opposite.  I think everything that has been happening and transpiring has been the right things.  Sometimes the things that are the most right for us are the hardest things in our lives.

It's funny.  I thought that I had been through hard trials.  And I have.  But, even in the grips of death, I never questioned Heavenly Father's will for me.  I KNEW with such certainty that I was always in the right place and doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.   The trial of this move for me has been the question lingering in my mind that I am not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  That I'm not where I need to be.
To be completely raw and honest with you, I felt like Heavenly Father put me here and then left me here to fend for myself.  It was a seriously twisted mindset I was in- half the time, I was the happiest I'd ever been.  Our little family is thriving- spending so much time with each other, swimming, hiking, playing in the park, eating snow cones, going to rodeos and carnivals.  My husband is so happy and fulfilled in his work.  We are close to my brothers and their wives and love the time we spend with them.  We have amazing neighbors and friends that have helped to make the transition feel warm and loving.  So, what was wrong with me the other half of the time?

For some reason, I felt I was losing myself.  I was losing the motivation to be chatty...oh my word, can you believe it?  I was like, closing off.  I wasn't feeling like writing, or singing, or doing anything creative.  The only thing I felt I was doing for myself was working out.  It sounds shallow, but besides being a wife and a mother, working out was my personal priority.

I hid from the reality that, I wasn't very spiritually in tune.  I had  this feeling and expectation like that should've just come naturally.  I had it before I left.  Pretty sure I packed it to come with me.  But somewhere along the way, I must've not been guarding it well enough, because I was losing it.  And instead of scrambling to find it, I kind of felt resentful that it left so quickly.  I was sure that I had built up some sort of reserve of the spirit that should've just stayed regardless my efforts and circumstances.  After all I'd been through and after the sacrifices to come out here and follow the guidance we'd received, I expected that I could just chill.  And I chilled, and so did the warmth in my heart. I went through the motions.  We have been to church every week.  We read scriptures and have prayers.  I have a testimony- I know it is all true.  I just felt numb.  So numb that I couldn't move out of it.

Quick side note: We've only been here two months.  These feelings have only been about a months worth of feelings.  But, for someone who has always felt like I've had an abundance of the spirit and an endless faith in God, a month felt like an eternity.

So, one night as I was praying, and going through the motions of praying, I finally decided to stop hiding from myself and the Lord.  I had been embarrased to admit to Him and myself how numb I felt, which I know is ridiculous when God is all-knowing. Anyway, I finally came out of hiding.  And when I confessed that I felt left alone, I realized how ridiculous that notion was.  He NEVER leaves us.  It's us who leaves Him.  I'm the one who had dropped Him as a priority.  I'm the one who had expected to maintain a relationship with absolutely ZERO effort on my part.  I'm the one who had consumed myself with a self pity of being left alone and a selfish attitude of "look at all I've done".  And I forgot.  I forgot all HE has done!  I forgot His Son and all He has done.  I made myself numb by pushing away the one thing in my life that predicates all happiness and blessings.

You know that feeling after you get a cavity filled at the dentist?  When you can start to feel the sensations coming back but if you purse your lips in a kissy face, half of your mouth still hangs lifeless?  That's where I was a few weeks ago.  I knew that the sensation had to come back eventually, but I felt helpless to go through the motions of moving my mouth but nothing happening.  It made me want to give up hope that the feeling would ever come back.  (Sometimes I do actually worry about that after the dentist...how bad would that be?  Never to make a kissy face ever again....what would we Instagram?)  But, really, the notion that it would never come back is ridiculous, and as you regain sensation in the numb area, you realize how grateful you are to feel again.  And you're resolved to floss everyday so that you'll never have a cavity ever again, because that numb feeling is awful.  And of course, we totally forget to floss that night before bed.  Just like life, when we will resolve to always do the right things, but ultimately fall short again.  The blessing is that even when we forget to remember, WE are never forgotten by Him.  And He is just waiting and waiting for us to regain sensation and let Him back in.

It feels good to be back.  Back to blogging.  But more importantly back to myself.