If You Really Knew Me

(If you really knew me, you'd know I shoot my husband the "evil eye" for trying to catch unattractive pictures of me eating. It's one of his favorite past times.)

I don't watch much T.V. these days. Especially because I think summer time T.V. can be lame. I must admit though, I did just finish watching The Bachelorette. I've been a fan of the Bachelor franchise for a long time-what can I say? I am a romantic. And although I know it's a bunch of phooey, it's still fun to watch it and get all giddy about love and the fact that I don't need a dumb reality T.V. show to try to find it.

Anyway, some nights when it's late and Marc has already slumbered himself into his snoring portion of the night, I turn on the tube and flip through the channels. A few nights ago I came across a new show on MTV. MTV has some really dumb, pointless and crappy shows. In fact, 99% of them are... but there is this new show called, "If You Really Knew Me", that actually looks to me as though it could really make a positive impact in peoples lives.

Within minutes of watching this show, I was bawling my eyes out. Literally sobbing. To summarize: each episode is a different high school, and the kids in the school are going through what they call "Challenge Day" with motivational speakers. The "Challenge Day" basically teaches them to break down their walls and truly get to know one another, instead of just basing things on cliques, popularity, looks, background, etc. One portion in particular was when they broke into small groups, and they each were to finish a sentence openly and honestly. The sentence began, "If you really knew me..."

There was some ridiculously crazy stuff coming out of the mouths of children. Things I as a 26 year old, married, mother of two have never encountered (and most likely never will). Abuse, depression, immense responsibilities, severe fears of disappointing parents. Some of those fears being realized in actual disapproval vocalized from these parents. A quarterback of a football team that hates football but plays because his parents make him. A "loner" girl who attempted suicide earlier that week. It was amazing to see the walls between high school cliche barriers falling to pieces right within the confines of their circle of trust. As a parent, I sat vowing to never let my children have a reason to deal with any of the things these children were faced with. So much of it had to do with the parenting. All in all, it was an incredibly touching program and one that I've set my DVR to record in the future.

As I went through the next few days, I couldn't get it off of my mind. I started thinking about how quickly all of the students bonded once they truly saw beyond all of the things they had judged each other for being. Loner students and student body presidents embraced and became friends. The hope and potential that this program "Challenge Day" set forth seems limitless. I started thinking about how adults would adapt to a program such as this. I thought about my own relationships in my life.

Family. Friends. Church congregation. Neighbors.

What things have I judged or assumed of others with out truly knowing or having had any idea about their situation and lives? What has been judged or assumed about me, without others knowing my story? Unfortunately, we set those preconceived notions into our minds when we were children, to slowly follow us in our lives. Most of us mature out of the worst of it, but I believe there is a portion of that thinking that probably stays with us forever. When I truly think about it, I may be guilty of it, without even consciously meaning to do it.

The thoughts, ideas and feelings of this program continued to swim throughout my mind all throughout the week. At the end of the week, I found myself in the chair at the salon having a discussion with my hairdresser/cousin. We talked about this, that and the other--her pregnancy, our children, books, etc.

Somehow a conversation came up about feelings of inadequacy in comparison to friends and family in our lives. We both expressed that there were women in our lives that had seemingly perfect lives. People that we looked to as almost having super human powers, where we had wondered, "How do they do it all? How are they always so happy? How is their marriage that flawless? How are their children so perfect and smart? How is she so beautiful and fit? They must be so financially stable that they never struggle at all," followed with the self-doubting questions like, "Why can't I be more like her? What's wrong with my marriage (or me as a wife) that makes it so that we have an occasional disagreement, but they never argue? What kind of a mother am I if my child doesn't know how to (insert random skill) or doesn't sit still in church? What's wrong with me that I can't lose enough weight to look like that?" As dumb as all of those questions sound, those are real feelings either myself or she has had at different points in time as we looked around at others. Although, the self doubt is not normally voiced or expressed, it is felt often.

Since she and I both seemed to have those feelings, I wondered, are we not alone then? And as we talked, I had an epiphany!

Probably "she" (or he, or they...or whoever it is that you look to and admire) has wondered the same thing as they look at someone else. "She" probably has no idea that it seems she has the perfect life or has it all together...because to her, she probably doesn't. Her life is not perfect. She is not perfect. I'm sure even "she" would have a shocking ending to finish the "If you really knew me..." sentence.

(This same notion can go for the people we may look at with anything less than admiration. All too often we look at situations and don't give people credit that they may be due, if we really knew them. This wasn't something she and I discussed, but the judgement goes both ways--and probably the judgement on what we disagree or think down upon about others, happens just as often, if not more frequently. There's most likely way more to the story than we can even imagine...)

As my cousin and I discussed these different admirations about these people, we realized that there were different things we knew about them that were seemingly less than perfect. Those things just didn't stick out as prominently as the "perfection" that seemed to stare us in the face. Because, as we discussed more, we learned things of each other. I would look at my cousin and think, "She's so gorgeous. Her marriage seems wonderful. She has a great career. Adorably pregnant- (I think there just may be a basketball under her shirt). Her child is beautiful. Her home is gorgeous." But, as we talked, I realized although her life is wonderful and blessed... that it is not perfect.

My life is definitely not perfect...and I truly don't think that there would be anyone to assume so. But, I started to think that I never want anyone to look at my life longingly and then turn to theirs and have feelings of doubt or disappointment, like I know I have done before. I would never want to cause anyone to have a misguided view on my imperfect happiness. Because that's exactly what it is...a wonderfully happy life, with plenty of imperfections.

So, just in case it has ever been a question (although I'm sure it has not), I'd like to take the time to let you know a few things...

If you REALLY knew me...

...you'd know, that I have a temper. I lose patience super easily when there are a lot of audible things going on at once. For example, yelling, loud noises, crying babies, TV, music, talking...etc. One or a few at a time is fine, but when all things start to go off at once, I almost can't handle it. My reaction is usually voluminous as well---(which is completely contradictory) and I can raise my voice or even yell, just as good as the next drill sergeant. Of this, I am not proud--I am working on it, but when you grow up in a family of seven children, yelling was sometimes the only way you could get your voice out there. ;)

...you'd know that, when I look in the mirror, sometimes I have a mental issue that makes me feel like I'm looking into a funny mirror at a carnival. I sometimes scrutinize myself long enough that I diminish all of the good things, and focus on the mole on my face that sprouts the occasional whisker, the crooked gap in my teeth, the stretch marks, the spare tire.... and before I know it, I've Nanny McPhee'd myself in reverse. I don't technically have Body Dismorphic Disorder, but something in my brain causes my mind to work against me in that aspect and it's one of my greatest challenges in life.

...you'd know that pretty much up until my dear sweet husband, in most of my more serious relationships, I had my heart broken. Someone I loved very much, and was in a longer term relationship with, broke up with me over the phone and I never saw him again. Although, my marriage and amazing husband has filled every confidence void I ever had in a relationship, there is still a small, young Stacy in me, that wondered if someone that I loved would really ever love me as much as I love them. Now, with Marc, I know there is such a thing...but those scars hurt to look at sometimes. (The new confident Stacy ROGERS, would like to now say, your loss, dude.) jk...I actually don't harbor any negative feelings towards him.

...you'd know that those things that I just typed are nothing compared to the things that I could really divulge if this wasn't the internet and I'm not about to put my every issue and life's problem on this blog. My husband is truly the only person on earth who REALLY knows me...but take my word for it, there is plenty more. Things you probably would never assume or even guess.

And the truth of the matter, is that we ALL have those things. And those things are very personal and should only be shared with those whom you can trust the most, but they exist and if we REALLY knew each other, we might feel a little differently about one another and ourselves.

If we REALLY knew each other, we'd probably have a lot more in common than we would guess. If we REALLY knew each other, we'd probably never judge each other based on the small glimpses we get into our respective lives. If we REALLY knew each other, we'd probably embrace and share tears over the things we each have endured and gone through in our lives.

If you REALLY knew me, you'd know that I love you for just being who you are...and I respect everything you've gone through that makes you who you are. If you REALLY knew me, you'd know that the fact that you're reading my words right now, makes me feel amazing and cared for.

So, maybe if we all, in this "high school" we call life, took the time to try to see beyond the glimpses we catch, we'd know that everyone has a story and that there is so much more inside...

...if you really knew.